What do you do when you are obsessing over the adoption – it is completely clouding your brain?

And your husband, maybe trying to be helpful (?), says “just stop thinking about it honey – its not helping”

Well, I go *snap* and decide to have an argument with him. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Maybe it is because I can’t stop thinking about it, I feel the presence of our baby – pulling me along. It is like a phantom in my lap – on my hip – holding onto my leg. I am already attached to our child.

Or maybe I snap because I can’t stop thinking about it. I lie awake at night. Thinking about adoption things, wondering if we are doing enough to prepare, trying to anticipate who our child will be and what our child will need. Mostly I worry about the Burmese children who I have met, who are unable to be a part of the Thai system, what will happen to them? How will they have a full and fulfilled life?

It is affecting me. I think my husband is probably trying to be helpful by ‘encouraging’ me to let things fall to the fates a bit more…. but HE is not the one awake most nights at 3am or 4am – thinking, worrying, unable to sleep.

He sleeps right through. He could sleep through anything.

It is affecting me. I feel I am getting more emotionally drained, less able to tolerate small annoyances from others, more… sharp? Abrupt? I try to be the same me – but it is getting harder.

I feel like all of this will be gone when we get the phone call – I will be light-hearted again. I hope I will… I know I will.

But it is affecting me. Some days I feel my work performance is quite poor. But what am I supposed to say to by boss “sorry I was not able to work up to standard today – I have been making myself ill lying awake each night worrying about my future children” how can I explain that to anyone?

I can’t even really explain it to my husband.

So what do you do? Just keep waiting – hope the call comes soon. Before my heart is too heavy.